Drapetomania (n.)

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Do you ever feel or think to run away from your daily routine? 
Or is it just me, the only one who feels and thinks to run away?

Started in September 2019, I got a giant bomb that hit me so fucking hard.
That thing goes along until now and I don’t know how to get out of it or back to life like the normal one or like my daily basis. Is God tell me to stop or what? I don’t know.

I’m sick af. Body, mind, and soul.
Hospitalized twice, went to 5 doctors in one month, mood swing on every day and night, pain everywhere, I just want to scream out loud that I can’t bear with those things.

I don’t think so no one knows (back then) but maybe everyone knows now. This issue came from many areas, including me (myself) and all around me.

I never thought that I can be so fragile right now (or even back then).

*

Too sensitive – I was so damn angry but can’t tell them when everyone asked about the cancellation of my trip. That’s not what I want but why everyone blames on me that day. Why don’t they support me when the first time the news about me had to stay at the hospital came up? Fortunately, some of them pray for my speedy recovery tho. But I still asked: Why?

Too worried – What if I can’t make him happy? What if I can’t make everyone happy? Why I have to be sick like this? – But, is that what I want? NO.

Too overwhelmed – I can’t think clear enough what should I do (back then).
Is it okay to cry? Is it okay to take a sleeping pill every night because of my insomnia?
Is it okay to hurt yourself? Is it okay to take a suicide mission?

Geez, what’s wrong with me? Am I too stressful at work? home? or even at myself?
Or maybe I never say NO to every order that assigned to me. Or is it a daily routine activity that I did in the past year so I just feel comfortable and is this normal? I don’t think so, right now.

Too many people said: I will listen to you, but hey – you’re listening but did you get my point of what I said? I don’t think so.

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drapetomania (n.) 
an overwhelming urge to run away.

I’m urged to run away from this thing. I want to quit from this unhealthy situation (every unhealthy situation that makes me sick after all). I never thought that I am here right now. When people got their anxiety or mental illness back then, I don’t think I will go through it. But, yeah.

I bought two books (this is my achievement of the year). Books about stress-less and the art of lagom. Those books teach me how to have a life balance. All about your self, your loved one, your family, your friends, your work, your daily routine activity.

(Note to myself: Don’t push yourself too work very hard on everything. Keep things balanced. Reach every dream that you wrote or imagined. Catch them. It’s okay to be alone and not being listened to by others. You can create your own.
And it’s okay to say NO.)

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Then I realize I don’t have that life balance. Every day (Monday to Sunday) I’ve always done the same thing, keep going, going, and going. I never de-clutter my things (never). But at this point, I think that I want to de-clutter everything. If there’s an unhealthy situation and I tried to fix it – but if there are no changes, just leave it behind.
They don’t need me anymore. 

Those things made me stood at this point. Fragile.
Until I don’t want to do those Monday to Sunday routine activities again. 

But, are you with me?

Cheers,
J.